


You'll Never Feel So Helpless

by haloburns



Series: When You Smile, I Am Undone [10]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Fluff, Kids, Multi, They're all clueless about kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 11:37:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7436357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haloburns/pseuds/haloburns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex, Eliza, and John now have baby Philip. Unfortunately, none of them are sure they'll be a good parent. Eliza feels like she's not enough, Alex is scared of his past repeating itself, and John is afraid of being like his father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll Never Feel So Helpless

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING SOMETHING ELSE BUT HERE I AM 
> 
> ENJOY

Philip was by, all accounts, an easy baby. He rarely screamed, wasn’t overly needy (but like father, like son)... And still, his parents struggled. With three parents, it was a little easier to delegate and divvy up time. No one was sleep deprived (except Alex who rarely slept on a regular basis). Still, John panicked every time Philip cried. Eliza called the doctor for every little thing, it seemed. And Alex never let him out of his sight. He constantly texted while at work, making sure all was well at home.

One night, after a particularly hefty amount of text messages from Alex, Eliza snapped, “I know how to take care of my own damn baby, Alex. Stop fucking checking up on me.” Immediately, she regretted her words. Alex’s eyes filled up with tears and he looked away.

“I’m afraid of losing him, Betsey…” he said quietly. She hugged him hard, apologizing. He sat down with her and told her the story of how his mother had a baby girl. He was eight, and it was right before their dad left. He loved her with all he had, but she got sick.

“Fever,” he said, pain colouring his words. “The same one me and Ma got when I was twelve. She… She was too little and Ma wasn’t producing any milk. She passed away at four months old…” Alex’s voice cracked. “So when I check up on him, it’s because I’m afraid I’ll wake up to you screaming because Philip’s--” His voice caught on a sob and Eliza’s eyes squeezed shut in pain. “Philip’s not breathing in his crib. I can’t--I can’t do that again, Eliza.” They sat together, hands together, white knuckled.

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you, Alex. It felt you thought I wasn’t doing a good enough job…” It was her turn to be quiet.

“Betsey, no! No, Eliza, I never would think you were a bad mother. My god… No, you are an excellent mother. But my fears got in the way and you felt like you weren’t enough…” He shook his head and pulled her closer. Philip started fussing and Eliza picked up him, settling him in their laps. They were playing with him when John came home, kissing his three loves’ heads.

Alex and Eliza told him their story and John sat down, relief crumpling his face. Eliza moved to his other side, putting Philip in his lap. They took John’s hands in theirs as he gave his Parental Confession.

“I am  _ so  _ terrified of turning out like my father… I get so angry sometimes… What if I lose control like him?” John’s voice is low and tremulous, like a child’s. Alex and Eliza’s hearts hurt, knowing that John had used that voice before when talking to his father.

“We won’t let you. That’s what we’re here for. If you get too frustrated and angry, hand him to one of us and we’ll take care of him while you take care of you,” Alex said, hugging his side.

“But what if it happens too often? What if he doesn’t recognize me as one of his parents because I can’t be too near him all the time?”

“Then we’ll get you a therapist. We all need one at some point. Hell, we’ll all go see one if that makes you feel better. But we won’t let you be a terrible father. Or you, Alex,” Eliza added, turning to look at him. “I know both of you had shitty childhoods, but don’t let that drag Philip down. Be the father you never had to him.” They all turned to look at two-and-a-half-month-old Philip and smiled at him, proud to be parents and he smiled back. The three of them laughed, pulling out phones for pictures.

After pictures had been shared and dinner was eaten, John was changing Philip for bed, leaning over him, blowing raspberries on his belly, smiling at his son’s smile.

“When you smile, I am undone…” he whispered, tears coming to his eyes. “My son…” John picked Philip up, holding him close as he fell asleep. “My father wasn’t around,” he explained softly. “I swear that I’ll be around for you.” Laughing, John told him, “And I thought I was so smart… But I’ll do whatever it takes, even though I’ll make a million mistakes along the way, to make your childhood better than mine.” John kissed his sleeping son’s head, laying him in his crib and walking quietly into his room. The moment he joined Eliza and Alex in bed, they smothered him in kisses and cuddles.

“You will give him a childhood better than what yours was,” Eliza promised him, kissing him gently. Alex followed suit, curling close to him. John then realized that the baby monitor was on and they could hear him. Shrugging off that feeling, he snuggled closer to his family.

“My son…” he mumbled to himself, smiling as he drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be cute and light. it is instead angsty and sad. i hope you liked it!!
> 
> keep up with my writing processes at writingatnight--runningoutoftime.tumblr.com!!


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